The door swung open to reveal a deep, black void waiting just beyond the threshold of dim light cast by the outdoor floodlights. With thoughts and emotions swirling all around my head, I stumbled in closing the door behind me. Dragging my feet along the tile floor, I did not care to turn on the light as my full weight was left to crash to the hard surface. Darkness. Surrounding me. Filling me. the darkness seemed a volatile attack on my entire being. I was, seemingly, alone. Alone with my thoughts.
But, of course, I knew better.
As tears streamed down my face, the pain covered over my proverbial heart. I cried out to God in words I can not now recall. The scene was cast so vividly in my mind. I had gone with the sole intention of hearing him out. Discipline was a non-issue; leveraging my position would be useless at this point. I desperately wanted to counsel him and allow Scripture to speak to the circumstance, but he would hear none of it. "Dude, don't waste your time praying for me. I don't care about you or God."
A former small group leader on the dorm and current worship leader at a local church, he had opened up to me the depths of his double life. Drunkenness. Drugs. Girls. Sin was choking out his desire for Christ. He had bought into the lie that causes so many to devote life to selfish gratification. Confusion and pain invaded me as his hardness of heart strengthened before my very eyes.
Back in my quad, I confessed utter insufficiency to God. This pain was unbearable. If God could take it away. If He could remove me from this responsibility. If He could just... answer me.
Over the past months, I had begun to understand the nature of the task assigned to my life. To shepherd a group of men is to accept the cross-hairs aimed at one's chest. At times, I had embraced my role with joy. But, more often than not, I wanted nothing more than to yield the responsibility to someone else. The pain often seemed to outweigh the joys.
Pain will always be present when a man strives to understand the hearts of other men.
Pain will always be present when a man strives to speak truth with love into every situation.
Pain will always be present when Scripture remains the inerrant, inexorable truth by which a man founds his life and work.
For a year, as a junior at Liberty University, I struggled through the difficult challenge of attempting to shepherd a group of 40 sophomores and juniors who, for the most part, just did not want anything to do with me. This represented my most difficult year of college. But it prepared me for the reality in ministry that most people will hate me and the message that I bring. My responsibility is to love men and speak truth, no matter what.
Three years later, I find myself in Kansas continuing the work of planting small groups, discipling young believers, and training new small group leaders. Little did I know to what extent those hard fought lessons of the past would come back to test me again. I find that God allows His children to go through harder and harder experiences as they develop in spiritual maturity. By His grace, each painful situation prepares us for the next.
Though I Corinthians 10:13 directly applies to temptation, I believe the principle can easily be translated to the painful ordeals of life and godliness. "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."
As an intern at Wormwood Church, my work for the Lord was not attacked by those to whom I was ministering. The Lord had taken me through that battle. I had already been equipped to meet the opposition of those under me. Though, not an easy task, it is now one for which I am always ready. This summer, it was the leadership over me that fired the arrows. It is one thing to discern and correct error in a young believer or an unbeliever, but a wholly other issue to confront sin and unsound teaching with those who are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the church.
John deals with this in I John 4:1, "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world." Francis Schaffer taught men to test and question everything. Not everyone in a position of leadership can be followed. Not every pastor can be trusted. Hebrews deals with all Christians as brothers, not separating leaders from followers, when it says "let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds." When it comes to testing the spirits, there are no lines or heirarchies to stand between pastors and laymen. All men are equal in the sight of God and must be accountable for their actions and teaching.
The past four years since I stepped up to be a discipler have been difficult. I have been tested over and over. Some tests were brief confirmations. Others were long and drawn out; these agonizing ordeals have forced me to expand my spiritual pain tolerance. Paul learned endurance through many such trials. He tells the church of Corinth, "For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life."
I have not despaired of life. Yet. That day, that trial is coming. But my comforts continue to build. The diversity of comforts the Lord has given me is vast. And there is only room for more. These comforts are not for my sake. Therefore, the painful trials I endure are not wholly for my sake.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."
- II Corinthians 1:3-5
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