When My Head and Heart Don't Agree

Why is it so hard to live what we know is true?

For example, Paul proves the resurrection of Jesus in I Corinthians 15. He gives five proofs, but let's just look at the first one. Paul uses the first eight verses to establish the resurrection as historical fact by bringing over 500 people to the witness stand. He clarifies this gospel, saying, "the gospel which I preached to you, which also you recieved, in which also you stand, by which also you are saved." Next, he names all those who saw the risen Jesus; the line to the witness stand looks to be at least 512 people long! That would pass in ANY courtroom. "Here's your proof!" he says.

THEN, he applies it to living: "be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord." He begins with what a man can know with his head. A man can possess the knowledge that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Then he gives instructions for how a man must live out this knowledge. Because Jesus rose from the dead, a man's heart can be free to stand strong on the solid foundation of the gospel. Because we know that the resurrection power applied to Jesus, we can follow him unwaveringly. Because Jesus could not be stopped by the grave, you cannot be stopped by anything!

But do I live that way? Do you live that way? Does the American church live that way? History proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Savior of the world rose from the dead, but do we understand how to know it with our hearts? Why is it so difficult to live out what we so clearly know with our heads? Yeah, sure, its easy to get on a spiritual high and be steadfast for a week or two. Its easy to abound in the work of the Lord in the midst of a missions trip to a far country. But what about today? How easy is it to forget head knowledge when the clouds roll in over the heart?

Often, I wish my inner struggle was not so pervasive. Sometimes, the why of my struggle escapes me completely. I understand my role at this stage of life very clearly, yet I have to fight so hard to keep the line of communication open between this head knowledge and my heart. I am not a senior pastor at First Baptist Church, and for good reason. I am no longer in the season where I hold the position of resident assistant at Liberty University. There is no youth group that looks to me for shepherding week in and week out. My life greatly lacks stability, by design!

I am the epitome of single guy. And this will not change for years. That's right, not tomorrow or next week, I will be single until at least 2012. But I fully understand my purpose. My role is to move around and take advantage of any and every opportunity that the Lord sends my way. If I bring no other challenge, I must challenge people with the life-transforming message of Jesus Christ. If I leave nothing else in the wake of my travels, I need to leave a gospel awareness wherever I go. This gospel is for the lost. This gospel is for the saved. This gospel is for my church, my small group, and my life.

I know my role, yet sometimes it is so hard to keep going. I struggle with loneliness. I struggle with this lack of stability. And I struggle with just being constantly worn down. In my head, I know what I want. In my head, there is a destination. In my head, I understand the purpose behind this gospel-focused vagabond lifestyle. But there are occasions where my heart just does not agree. My heart just does not want to hear it. My heart is deceitful and wicked and only wants its own. My heart leads me into pride, lust, and wordly wants.

Paul says, "imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ." With this statement, my head is in full agreement, but my heart is dragging its feet. I love the role that Paul took on; that is the role I want to fill. Paul was the ultimate single guy accomplishing the ultimate single guy's task. Everywhere he went, He worked himself out of a job. He came, he saw, he discipled... and he moved on. I want to be just like Paul.

I wonder if he had to endure the same struggles that I find in myself. I desperately want to sit down with him and have a conversation. I want to know what his heart was saying all along. I know that Paul was just a man, but he's my Clark Kent. Was Paul's heart his cryptonite? Did his heart bring him down the way mine so often does? Did his heart, like mine, lead him astray into pride, lust, and worldly wants? Oh, how I wish I had the same strength, love, and humility that Paul had.

But maybe that is the answer. Paul was not the cause of his strength, love, and humility. It was not because of Paul that Paul could be "steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord." This is a job that only Christ can accomplish. Every ounce of Paul's strength, love, and humility was Christ living through Him. He was fully surrendered to his Savior. Maybe, just maybe, it was his total surrender to Jesus that bridged the gap between his head and his heart. That is not to say he never struggled like I do, but he understood far greater than I what it means to truly surrender.

Man Up or Go Home

American Christianity is all about the status quo. We can "do church" together as long as you keep what you believe and I keep what I believe. Don't get in my face. Don't challenge me. Don't ask me hard questions. I'm here to do my own thing.

Yeah, because that's precisely what Jesus taught. Jesus taught for three whole years, suffered the worst death in history, bore man's sin, and went on a "vacation" in hell (I Peter 3:18-21; we can argue this one later) so that we could keep our ear-tickling religion to ourselves. Jesus, if he had thought of it before Jefferson, would have added "the pursuit of happiness" to his teachings in the sermon on the mount. Jesus never really wanted to make any changes, but, rather, just wanted to affirm those nice pharisees in their synagogue attendance.

Jesus laid down his life in direct rebellion to the status quo. And by status quo, I mean wearing a bright, cheery smile to church Sunday morning only to place a target on your waitress' back at lunch. By status quo, I mean excommunicating those really excited Christians who just go too far with all that Jesus stuff. By status quo, I mean the habit mankind developed in the garden. You know, the one where we rebel against everything God ever said. Yeah, that habit kills way faster than smoking (both deadly, of course).

This rebel, Jesus, would not fit in with our church folks. He spent too much time serving the people that your church members turn their noses at. This is the guy who brings to your recollection last Sunday's sermon when Monday comes and you've already proven that you slept through the message again. He is the guy who calls you out when you're not doing things God's way. Jesus would not make it in our church.

Call me a rebel. Call me a fanatic. Call me arrogant, if it makes you feel better. Call me whatever you want, but this is the Jesus I follow. Like Him, I want to speak grace when grace is necessary. Like Him, I want to speak the hard truth when the hard truth is what is needed. I move around a lot, but wherever I go I fully intend to challenge the status quo with the claims found in the Holy Bible. Welcome to accountability. In the end, we will all be held accountable. But trust me, you would rather have me hold you accountable now than Jesus later. My authority comes from Scripture to ask you the hard questions. He, on the other hand, has the authority to drop the hammer: "Depart from me, for I never knew you."

So now its up to you, Mr. Church Member. I recommend you man up. Its possible that I am not saying you're wrong, but its possible I am. All I am asking is that you check your heart. All I am asking is that you check your methods. All I am asking is that you check your message. Maybe you're doing awesome; the Bible teaches me to edify you. Maybe there's work to do; are you up to the challenge?

So will you take the challenge? Will you allow iron to sharpen iron? Will you accept a rebuke from a brother or keep looking for kisses from the enemy? We can be friends or you can ignore me until I move on to go somewhere else. You can ignore my greetings, my invitations to hang out, and my inquiries. But the challenge is on the table and I implore you to man up. Man up for your sake. But more importantly, man up for the sake of the body. Man up for Christ.