When My Head and Heart Don't Agree

Why is it so hard to live what we know is true?

For example, Paul proves the resurrection of Jesus in I Corinthians 15. He gives five proofs, but let's just look at the first one. Paul uses the first eight verses to establish the resurrection as historical fact by bringing over 500 people to the witness stand. He clarifies this gospel, saying, "the gospel which I preached to you, which also you recieved, in which also you stand, by which also you are saved." Next, he names all those who saw the risen Jesus; the line to the witness stand looks to be at least 512 people long! That would pass in ANY courtroom. "Here's your proof!" he says.

THEN, he applies it to living: "be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord." He begins with what a man can know with his head. A man can possess the knowledge that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Then he gives instructions for how a man must live out this knowledge. Because Jesus rose from the dead, a man's heart can be free to stand strong on the solid foundation of the gospel. Because we know that the resurrection power applied to Jesus, we can follow him unwaveringly. Because Jesus could not be stopped by the grave, you cannot be stopped by anything!

But do I live that way? Do you live that way? Does the American church live that way? History proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Savior of the world rose from the dead, but do we understand how to know it with our hearts? Why is it so difficult to live out what we so clearly know with our heads? Yeah, sure, its easy to get on a spiritual high and be steadfast for a week or two. Its easy to abound in the work of the Lord in the midst of a missions trip to a far country. But what about today? How easy is it to forget head knowledge when the clouds roll in over the heart?

Often, I wish my inner struggle was not so pervasive. Sometimes, the why of my struggle escapes me completely. I understand my role at this stage of life very clearly, yet I have to fight so hard to keep the line of communication open between this head knowledge and my heart. I am not a senior pastor at First Baptist Church, and for good reason. I am no longer in the season where I hold the position of resident assistant at Liberty University. There is no youth group that looks to me for shepherding week in and week out. My life greatly lacks stability, by design!

I am the epitome of single guy. And this will not change for years. That's right, not tomorrow or next week, I will be single until at least 2012. But I fully understand my purpose. My role is to move around and take advantage of any and every opportunity that the Lord sends my way. If I bring no other challenge, I must challenge people with the life-transforming message of Jesus Christ. If I leave nothing else in the wake of my travels, I need to leave a gospel awareness wherever I go. This gospel is for the lost. This gospel is for the saved. This gospel is for my church, my small group, and my life.

I know my role, yet sometimes it is so hard to keep going. I struggle with loneliness. I struggle with this lack of stability. And I struggle with just being constantly worn down. In my head, I know what I want. In my head, there is a destination. In my head, I understand the purpose behind this gospel-focused vagabond lifestyle. But there are occasions where my heart just does not agree. My heart just does not want to hear it. My heart is deceitful and wicked and only wants its own. My heart leads me into pride, lust, and wordly wants.

Paul says, "imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ." With this statement, my head is in full agreement, but my heart is dragging its feet. I love the role that Paul took on; that is the role I want to fill. Paul was the ultimate single guy accomplishing the ultimate single guy's task. Everywhere he went, He worked himself out of a job. He came, he saw, he discipled... and he moved on. I want to be just like Paul.

I wonder if he had to endure the same struggles that I find in myself. I desperately want to sit down with him and have a conversation. I want to know what his heart was saying all along. I know that Paul was just a man, but he's my Clark Kent. Was Paul's heart his cryptonite? Did his heart bring him down the way mine so often does? Did his heart, like mine, lead him astray into pride, lust, and worldly wants? Oh, how I wish I had the same strength, love, and humility that Paul had.

But maybe that is the answer. Paul was not the cause of his strength, love, and humility. It was not because of Paul that Paul could be "steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord." This is a job that only Christ can accomplish. Every ounce of Paul's strength, love, and humility was Christ living through Him. He was fully surrendered to his Savior. Maybe, just maybe, it was his total surrender to Jesus that bridged the gap between his head and his heart. That is not to say he never struggled like I do, but he understood far greater than I what it means to truly surrender.