War. Tragedy. Pain. Inconvenience. Cold, for instance, is a cancer. It lurks close by as I awake in my warm bed. It nips at my heels as I make for the shower. And it takes shape as the hot water ends and I reach for a towel. It begins small, but grows maliciously. Soon, my whole body is seeping with cold. But I endure. I remind myself of my strength and press on. For a day, it is a small trial. It makes me better. A second day, another opportunity. A week and the optimism holds strong. But as the cold lasts through the weeks and on to months, the will begins to wane.
The first choice is easy. But with time, the will corrodes. The will is strong at first, steadfast. But over time, steadfastness turns to uncertainty turns to improbability turns to impossibility. Do you see how it works? Man does not lose his power to will with one choice. But as decay spreads through the bones and returns the man to the earth, so a life of trial can decay the soul leading to ultimate destruction. After weeks of cold, I lie here wrapped up in my blanket, striving for any and every drop of warmth to fall on my parched tongue. What was once a good and easy decision of my will is now just a stumbling block before my idol of comfort. My will is gone. My comfort takes over.
A month ago, Wednesday night's trip to the gym was a given. Of course I would work out, but I would also carry on with Mohammad in the cardio room. I would laugh with Saiad about how I came to see him at his restaurant again, but my suspicion grows that each time he sees me coming he escapes through the back door. I work out hard because I like the praises mixed with silly comments that I get from Abdul Aziz. A month ago, Wednesday night was non-negotiable. A week ago, Wednesday night was a fight, but a victorious fight. But here I lie, Wednesday night. My will has given way to Comfort, my god. Cold has battered my weak will into submission. The walls have fallen, the city is taken, and the golden calf has been erected. Life, joy, and laughter have ceded their superficial pedestals in my life as selfish idolatry has turned me inward.
Do you see it yet? This is what we do. John Calvin would tell you that your heart is an "idol factory". Hardly complementary words considering you're such a good person, right? Consider the man of Isaiah 44...
He comes home from a hard day's work. Tired, he crumples over against the wall outside his home. As night falls, the cold comes and a shiver trickles down his spine. Soon the shiver turns into a rumble in the pit of his stomach. So he motivates himself to make dinner. He pulls together some kindling and sticks and starts a fire. As he sits close by the fire, the warmth returns to his body. The fire crackles and rumbles; after some time he places a large stick in the middle. Warmed, he looks on in admiration of his accomplishment. With half of this stick, he begins cooking bread. With the half protruding from the fire he begins to carve a figure. When the bread finishes, he adds meat to the fire and continues his work. About the time he finishes carving, his meal finishes. Next to the fire, he eats his dinner and then bows down before his carving. The one half of his log he burns in the fire while he bows down before the other, praying, "Deliver me, for you are my god!"How silly is this man. How silly this story, one more outdated chapter from a caveman scroll. But you do it. I do it. Man's will is weak, he will eventually succumb to any and every trial and temptation. He will make every love, joy, and pleasure into his god, seeking some deliverance. Man's only hope is to replace his will with that of someone or something greater. Some realize this and seek to replace their own will with that of another man, we call them accountability partners. Or, perhaps, he'll use some 12 step program. Someone better. Some set of rules. Some code.
What we really need is a divine will. Not the stick. Not the will of man as it shifts with the shadows. But the source of all light. For the light source can not be shadowed, but, rather, is the wellspring of radiant glory, the forgotten desire of those shadowed souls who stand behind their idols.
Dependence is natural to man. It's buried deep inside him. We all will depend on something. So what are the options. There is, of course, dependency on the stick. There is dependence on oneself which through the decay of the will simply leads back to the stick. There is dependence on some other person just as vulnerable as yourself which eventually leads to his stick. And finally, there is dependence on something more, something eternal. The only One true. The only One wise. The only One everlasting, never failing. One who was, is, and is still to come.
As I lie here wrapped up, defeated, I am reminded that I stray so easily. Before I know it, I'm right back to the shtick. Half of it comforts me, the other half I bow down to.
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