Scrambling through a thick cloud of darkness, I emerge from the woods into chaos. The deafening boom of canon blasts assails me from all sides, near and far. Bright flashes pull back the shadows as I frantically search for some familiarity. Gunfire and cries of pain drown my attempts to reason as I quickly lose control. Making my way across the field, an unknown destination awaits me. The going is slow as I stumble over endless bodies, some bearing the red uniform, some the blue. My memory alludes me; I know nothing but the throbbing pain that seems to pervade my whole body. A steady flow of either blood or perspiration, maybe both, flows from my head.
A blast knocks me over as dirt rains down on my head. Regaining my balance, I continue toward what seems to be the front line. Soldiers run in all directions, discharging their weapons as they go. The pain in my head escalates. Searching my clothing for a makeshift wrap, a wave of panic sweeps over me at the realization that I wear no uniform, but street clothes. I search my mind for an answer to the now all-important question. A man brushes by me, fleeing in retreat. He stops briefly to turn around and wave for me to follow. Darting off, his tattered red tunic vanishes into the night. Another soldier, this one in blue, violently grabs my coat and drags me in the opposite direction. Before escaping into the night, he orders me to pick up my gun and fight.
The world begins to spin as the violence overwhelms me. Men surround me. They fearfully shove past, running here and there. Gunfire rings in my ears as my vision blurs. The darkness pervades, this fueling the fear now growing inside me. An expectation of doom takes hold as I fight through the clamor and confusion to understand to which side I belong. The battle endlessly rages with no resolution in sight.
I want the pleasures this world has to offer. I want people to know me, to remember me, to love me. I want to be the focus of attention. I want the perfect girl and I want her now. I want to make my name great. This is the side for which I fight.
I want to see God's kingdom come. I want to see His will done on earth as it is in heaven. I want to be a light that pushes out the darkness of this world. I want to offer up my life as a living sacrifice. I want to hallow His name. This is the side for which I fight.
A battle rages inside me.
Day by day, my fight loses ambiguity. The sides become more clear. My role, less obscure. For weeks I fight the good fight and begin to taste the spoils of war. But then on the heels of victory, I arbitrarily rejoin the enemy reasoning that the end justifies the means. At times, my vision blurs so much that it becomes difficult to know what end I really want for myself. I know that it is impossible for the enemy to show me the same goodness. The enemy offers everything that I think I want, but I know this is a set up, a trap. An ambush awaits me, but I ignore the warning signs. Not until defeat is at hand are my eyes opened to understand the nature of this deception.
The apostle Paul fought this fight.
"For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." He continues, "Wretched man that I am!" Paul knew this inner struggle well. He knew that battle lines could often be blurred by one's own desires. He knew the difficulty in determining which side was real, which side was right, which side was true. The fight is not easy. This life is difficult. But the sanctified life is the one that presses through the smoke with bayonet outstretched. Though he may fall, there is strength to get back up. Though he may not see through the haze, there is guidance to show the way. Though he may suffer, there is hope for the future.
No man is exempted from life's battles. All have been enlisted in some military force. While courage, valor, and victory are not limited to a particular side, final victory is only for the few. There is one leader who overwhelmingly conquers all. All men must consider for whom they will fight. The world fights for itself. The Christian fights not for himself, but for a King and a kingdom. By Jesus, we find direction to tread the narrow path; He is the way. By Jesus, we persevere toward the truth; He is the truth. By Jesus, we have victory over sin and death; He is the life.
Paul knew he was wretched. But he follows this statement with thanksgiving! He asks, "Who will set me free from the body of this death? THANKS BE TO GOD through Jesus Christ our Lord!... There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." There is no condemnation. By Jesus, there is no condemnation. This is our hope. The hope of glory by the saving work of Jesus Christ. One day, everyone's fight will be revealed for what it really is. On that day, everyone will know whether your battle was for Jesus or whether your battle was for self.
"For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace."
We must persevere to set our minds on the Spirit. When the flesh knocks us down, there must be repentance and a turn back to the Spirit. Jesus does not require perfection from His sheep. He requires total commitment. Even the demons believe in God and His Son, Jesus, and shudder. Belief is not enough, but must be joined by true commitment. Peter calls men to "sanctify (set apart) Christ as Lord of [their] hearts."
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